i think my tv is drunk
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
