I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
