Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
