I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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