So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
