remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
