just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
