Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
