if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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