You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
