Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
