There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
