and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
