My liver just broke up with me...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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