When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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