Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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