brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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