Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
