I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
