i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
