Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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