whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
