I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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