so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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