Three words: puerto rican gang bang
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
