I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
