Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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