drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
it was like eating out sand paper
birth control should be required to get into college
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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