I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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