This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
