I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
