my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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