My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
