He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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