I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
