sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
