fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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