Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The beer is more important than you right now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
