Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
