Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
