She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
