You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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