Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
