My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think im going to throw up on grandma
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
