I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
