Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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