1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
