the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
