just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
