Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
