I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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